According to the studies from Willard Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs the #1 need for women is affection. Men, one of your goals is to discover the needs of your wife and apply yourself in your thoughts, words and actions to meet you wife’s needs. All love is learned and you and I can grow in knowledge of our mates. Notice what Peter says,
“Similarly, you husbands should try to understand the wives you live with…”
1 Peter 3:7 Phillips Paraphrase
“Dwell with them according to knowledge.” (KJV)
The following are four ways that you can give affection to your mate.
#1 With your words!
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it [the tongue, or to talk] shall eat its fruit.” – Proverbs 18:21 NASB Make it your goal everyday say words that affirm, praise and build up your wife. Be as specific as possible and catch her in the act of doing good and compliment her. Remember the word encourage means to impart courage.
#2 With your actions!
“Husbands go all out in love for your wives. Don’t take advantage of them.”
– Colossians 3:19 The Message
“…be affectionate and sympathetic with them, and do not be harsh or bitter or resentful toward them. – Amplified Bible
The exchange of positive behaviors is the key determiner of marital happiness. Mutual happiness is the glue to a fulfilling marriage.
In all my years of ministry I have discovered that this is the key determiner for whether Christians stay married or not. If love is not reciprocated adequately and mutually, a couple – yes, even a Christian couple – will not stay married. As imperfect as we are in giving and receiving love, the truth remains that when there is a sufficient amount of positive behaviors, a couple will stay together and find mutual satisfaction with each other. I used to think that Christian couples will survive if only one person would love the other unconditionally. This simply does not bear out in reality. Therefore, every day as Christ-followers let us, “…love one another fervently [to generate warmth] with a pure heart,…” – 1Peter 1:22 NKJV
#3 With your Touch!
“She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.” – Proverbs 5:19 NLT
Which would you rather lose? Your eye sight, hearing, or you’re ability to feel the touch of another person? I once saw a documentary about a woman that lost her touch after 15 years of being able to feel. She was turning 50 and she was just able to lift a glass of water to get a drink.
Your hands are one of the most powerful instruments to communicate love through touch. Even the father of his ailing daughter understood the power of the touch of Jesus when he begged Christ earnestly saying, “My little daughter lies at the point of death. Come and lay Your hands on her, that she may be healed, and she will live” – Mark 5:23 NKJV
So men touch your wives. Teach your young children the benefit and pleasure of touch by touching them at an early age. If they resist they will soon learn to love your touch. Men, touch your wives, snuggle together while reading, watching TV, before you go to sleep at night, while at the mall, going to the movies and at other countless times. Affection is vital!
“…be affectionate with your wives…” – Colossians 3:19 Amplified Bible
#4 With My Focused Attention
“No man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church.” – Ephesians 5:29 Amplified Bible
To most women affection symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval.
Sometimes I would like to throw the TV, Cell Phones, iPads and Computers out the door. Have you noticed how almost everyone is on their cell phone talking, texting, or writing emails? The average person will pick up their phone 1, 500 times a week and spend 3 hours and 16 minutes a day on their phone!
Focused attention means to look each other in the eyes and talk, listen, and respond emotionally, facially with interest, smiles and appropriate touch.
Each person has an emotional tank that must be filled everyday to maintain a healthy disposition. Our intentionality in giving one-to-one attention is vital!
Linda and I just came back from spending a week with Max, our third eldest grandchild. It was great spend a week of undivided Max time! How rewarding to laugh, talk, listen, discuss, touch, eat an observe him for this extended time. It was also fun for him to comment about Linda and I and what we do. One thing he said was, “I have never heard someone say thank you so many times in a day.” (Just two days ago he said, “I miss being with Papa and Mimi in Florida.” 🙂
So, remove the distractions. Sit down and eat together (please around a table and not standing around the kitchen island) and simply talk and listen. Turn off the TV, Computers, and cell phones and ask one another questions. Listen and enjoy the attention that you will not only give but the focused attention you will receive.
In Christ,
Dale
dale@daleebel.org